The info reel begins. Yellow letters sliding along a star-scape, receding. I’m in a theatre, because for some reason my dream self was somehow not disgusted at the prospect of a new (previously nonexistent) Star Wars film.
Yeah, this isn’t one of the six. It’s a new one. It’s supposed to be canon. Maybe it’s Episode VII. Maybe it’s Episode 0, a pre-prequel. Whatever. I’m watching it, and I’m intrigued.
I’m intrigued because the plot of this film is that the whole galaxy is being eaten up by this black hole that moves. Well, maybe not eaten up. It’s not really a black hole. It’s just a really big dark spot in space that seems to disintegrate anything it moves through. Star Destroyers become star dust. Planets have chunks taken out of them. Bites.
And it’s up the Jedi and the a few Han Solo types to figure out how to stop it.
Pretty not terrible plot (thanks, brain) until there’s a Lucasy diagonal wipe and now we’re on Earth. Earth. Real Earth, like 2011 Earth. And the main character for this Earth scene of Star Wars Episode Whatever is George Lucas. The guy wrote himself into his own movie.
Well, in my head, but still.
Instead of actually being a character that does anything good, like have dialogue with another character or engage himself in any kind of action, he turns to the camera (to the camera!) and explains to the viewer (me, asleep, in this theatre) that Earth has contracted some terrible virus that has turned it into a big death machine. That Earth has been travelling the galaxy destroying Destroyers and chunking planets. That it’s invisible to the rest of the galaxy, but since we’re on it, we can’t tell. And then, Lucas goes on to say, this is happening right now.
Everything in the movie is supposedly actually happening right now, and the only way to stop it is to pay lots of money to LucasFilm so they can make a movie about it not happening anymore. Lucas then walks OUT OF THE SCREEN and begins to pass around a collection plate.