Complete with the moment the fairy girl the shrunken human has fallen in love with goes off on him for putting red Xes on trees, and denounces him as a betrayer of trust.

Only, the fairies are of course aliens, the human isn’t shrunken but put into another body, and instead of red Xes he just tells the logging corporation how to cut down the biggest tree there is.

If this is hard to follow, yes, I’m talking about Avatar.

I have enough thought material on this movie to write a dissertation, but nobody wants to read that. Instead, I’ll just write down a few major thoughts I had throughout the film, and hope that gives you a fairly good idea of whether or not this movie is for you.

• The writing isn’t sufficiently horrible, but Jim Cameron didn’t do much thinking on creating an original alien race. The aliens are directly based on the natives of America, South America, Africa, and everywhere else. They’re bigger, bluer, and they can attach their ponytails to trees and animals to connect with them - but that’s the only real difference. Basically humans.
• The animals are stock animals, with changes. Horses, hammerhead rhinos, wolves, really big cats. Oh, and pterodactyls.
• Main character’s accent is weird. I get that he’s an American from about 150 years into the future, but then why doesn’t Sigourney Weaver and that other guy who doesn’t end up being useful for anything at all have weird accents?
• Unobtainium? Seriously?
• “Hey boss, I have the subtitles all set.” “Why do they look normal?” “This is what subtitles look like.” “I want to use something more…exotic. Something that reminds people almost of the Egyptians.” “I have the perfect font, sir.” Yeah, they used Papyrus for the subtitle font. Facepalm.
• Usually when I watch a movie I’ll notice things and think in my head, “It would be predictable if they use this later for X,” where X stands for the thing I think they’ll use it for. Usually when I watch a movie I’m right about one or two Xes. In this one I was right about all of them. Not that predictability is horrible, I just never had the sense of jeopardy I wanted.
• Is watching two aliens kissing supposed to be arousing? If not, I think there might be something wrong with me.
• That guy was a lot funnier when he was running into walls in that other movie about the goats.
• If only George Lucas had waited ten years before creating his Gungans.
• Is this movie still in 3D? I stopped noticing after fifteen minutes.
• Who plays that alien chick in real life? I wonder if she’s hotter as an alien.
• Did anyone catch the W. Bush digs? “Pre-emptive strike,” “Fight terror with terror,” “Shock and awe,”? I know you did, because everyone in the theater did. In the world of the film, George W. Bush’s politics and strategeries live on 150 years in the future, something like five light-years away.
• Unlucky - people are going to think my story is based on this one. Large blue people, the planet as a character, connecting to the earth through some kind of neural network. Oh well. At least mine won’t be based off of FernGully.

Was it enjoyable? Sure. I also got bored in parts, because Jim didn’t dip me into this world as far as he should have. It was more like tiny, teasy dips. Dip dip dip, where only my hair gets wet. Too many characters, not enough character development. Almost zero character development on the whole, actually. I don’t even know how well I knew the main character. He might have been a complete butthead for all I know. I might have been rooting for a butthead.

See the movie? Sure, see the movie. Just don’t expect it to be perfect, or the best thing ever, because, listen.

They used Papyrus as the subtitle font. Yellow Papyrus.

Yeah.